The Cult of Stupidity

Several years ago I traveled to my hometown from college on the weekends and often went to church with my cousins, aunt and uncle. This turned out to be one hell of a clusterfuck because the church is a crazy pentacostal cult. I became good friends with several of the other youth there, some of which were still in high school, and I was just a few years out of high school myself. Most of the other young adults there didn’t want much to do with me because they were stuck up and unwilling to let in outsiders, even though some of them were my second cousins and friends with my first cousins. While this was the town in which I was born, I was raised 30 miles away in another small podunk southern Alabama town due to my dad having to find work elsewhere when I was a few years old when the company he worked for changed ownership, and they fired everyone.

Back to my story…my best friends at the church were actually juniors or seniors in high school since those my age turned their noses up at me and wouldn’t even speak to me when I spoke to them-really friendly church, huh? Eventually I became the target of several of the adult leaders of the church and was called out on ridiculous things like my “asymmetrical haircut” (this was the 90’s and I didn’t live in a small town anymore, but was in college, remember, and my haircut was more than normal where I lived during the week.) The other youth took great offense at the way I was treated and more than once stood up for me, which I still appreciate, as these so-called church leaders were major assholes.

One of my best friends and I spent a lot of time together on the weekends when I was home, besides just at church, which riled his father to no end, because in his eyes, and to others, I found out, they all thought I was just some city queer preying on their kids. There were a lot of rude comments and death glares sent my way, which I always returned full force. I never will forget the time I asked my friend James’ dad, Jack, one Sunday morning in the hallway, “Where’s James?” He scowled at me and said, “You should come to church to see Jesus, not James!” I replied, “I am at college all week and don’t have many friends because most of the people there are only interested in drugs and alcohol, and when I come home on the weekends, I want to see my decent friends!” He sheepishly apologized and told me where to find his son. But Jack always was up to no good. He tried his best to keep us from doing anything together even though he never had a reason not to other than his own perverted ideas.

This turned into other people trying to befriend me who would usually have nothing to do with me, for the sole purpose of separating James and me at church, filling up a pew or several rows on purpose so there was no room left for me to sit anywhere near James or my other friends, and other such nonsense. This all culminated one Sunday morning when I was heading to the main service after Sunday School and my second cousin, Tracey (a guy just a couple of years older than me), stopped me in the hall and asked me to help him move some tables in a back room. I went with him, and he got behind me. We got to a back area of the church where they were building another large room, and I opened the door to see several of the church leaders also in the room, about eight of them, many of which I don’t know the names of, with all the lights out except for one small light coming from the corner. Tracey pushed me into the room, then Tracey, Jack, and Bob (the one who hated my haircut and made a big deal about it in front of all the youth after church one night, telling me it was un-Godly, with it being shaved short in the back and on the sides, but with longer bangs) took their shirts off, and I asked what they wanted me to help them move. They quickly informed me that we weren’t moving anything, but they had some words for me, which included accusations of me being a predatory homosexual, a bad influence on the other youth, a satanist, etc. After I told them all how stupid and crazy they all sounded and threatened to tell everyone what they were up to, a couple of them actually came to my defense. Still, their intimidation tactics and harassment didn’t let up, and they even went so far as to try to get me to fight Tracey, who is a kickboxer. I play fought with him some and let him punch and kick me a couple of times, and I did the same. Once they finally got done with their bullshit, I tried to go back into the main part of the church and found that the door was locked. They told me to leave out the side door and not come back. The preacher then stepped out of the shadows and got in on this bullshit. I was led out the side door into the parking lot and Tracey told me to come over to his car to show me something, which happened to be a pistol he pointed at me as he told me I needed to get in my car and leave now and don’t come back. I got in my car and drove to the front of the parking lot, left my car running, and went to the main door at the front of the church, only to find it locked. I beat on the door because there is usually someone there outside of the sanctuary. Jack steps out, having high-tailed it from the back, and shakes a set of keys at me. The bastards had harassed, intimidated, and threatened me, thrown me out, and locked me out of church! What complete idiots!!! I left and of course let everyone know what had happened ASAP. My aunt didn’t even believe me to begin with, but after several phone calls and finally some admissions by the culprits, as well as my going to the police and a lawyer, I had multiple apologies thrown my way. Many churchgoers were extremely upset over this fiasco and Tracey’s wife even divorced him, because of other crap such as infidelity and having sex with his own son (which by the way I think is hilarious, given all that happened, along with the fact that Jack had the hots for his son James and exposed himself to his son several times and asked him for sex, and of course, Bob’s son is one of those kids who you can see is as queer as a 3 dollar bill from a mile away, and deathly afraid of his father, who I wouldn’t doubt was also being molested by his father, along with the well-known fact that he was having an affair with his co-“worship” singer), but also because of the gun incident. This also reminds me of when a few of us went to spend the day at the weekend pentacostal retreat area where many of the youth and their parents/chaperones were for the whole weekend.  When I walked into the guy’s dorm room, fathers were sleeping with sons, and the place didn’t smell of sweat or musk, but of nothing but semen.  I should have known then what kind of people they were.  They were all trying to use me as a scapegoat, or sacrificial lamb, for all their sins, because they were all afraid of being found out about, admitting to, or dealing with, their own homosexuality and incestual acts.  I ended up going back to that godforsaken place a few times only to see my friends, but left the craziness behind eventually. It never ceases to amaze me just how stupid and uneducated backwoods rednecks can be, but I am reminded constantly having to live in this area.

If you want to visit said crazy cult, head on over to

First Assembly Of God Church
251-246-4736
2410 Coffeeville Rd
Jackson, AL 36545

Just be sure to pack a weapon lest they go crazy on you too.

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